Where are the Tourists in Central Asia?

It’s been a few weeks since our return from Central Asia, and I think I’ve had ample time to process our amazing experience there. One of the things we noticed throughout our time there was the near complete lack of tourists. With the exception of the odd Dutch or Israeli traveler, we met very few other travelers on the road. With all Central Asia has to offer, from crumbling modernist concrete to majestic scenery to extremely inexpensive transportation and cost of living, we were constantly wondering, “Why are we the only ones here?”

So I went about gathering opinions about why Central Asia (granted, we were only in Kazakhstan and Kyrgyzstan) seems to fly under the radar when it comes to travel destinations. To be fair, this is not a statistical study, as my sample size was about five, including my parents and others who might have some trouble identifying the stans on a map. Hey, I never claimed to be a mathematician. Traveler Issue #1: Isn’t it dangerous?

Here’s something that happens whenever a nation has the suffix “-stan”: It gets associations with nations like Afghanistan and Pakistan, which are more legitimately associated with political strife and terrorism. Additionally, perhaps their proximity or perceived ties with Russia make American travelers clutch their pearls a little bit. And, sure, there was a car bombing at the Chinese Embassy in Bishkek a week before we arrived. BUT but but we never felt a hint of danger to our personal safety our entire time in Kazakhstan and Kyrgyzstan. This is coming from someone who frequently tests boundaries, intentionally or due to lack of deliberate observation, of what might be considered safe versus unsafe.
On the contrary, wherever we went, we were welcomed with open arms with the hospitality for which Central Asians are known. Many selfies were taken with friendly locals, and we were approached many times by folks on the street, asking if we enjoyed their country or city. In short, Kazakhstan and Kyrgyzstan were anything but dangerous. Practice normal precautions that are relevant anywhere (watch your step on the heavily potholed streets, don’t get stupid drunk late at night, etc.), and you’ll be flying high under the biggest skies in the world.
Validity rating: 2/10

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Traveler Issue #2: It’s so far away…

OK, so this issue has a little bit of validity. I had wanted to go to Central Asia since I was in high school, and since becoming a grown-ass man, I had often overlooked the region because of the distance. I thought that going to the region from America would take too long (especially for a two week vacation) and cost too much. Luckily for new technology (flight alerts!), I was able to find a very affordable flight from Seattle to Almaty (RT $900) with only one stopover! I contend that any destination you can get to with only a single connection is worth its weight in tchotchkes.

These days, you can get just about anywhere with a single connection – our flight to Almaty was via Frankfurt on Lufthansa, but you can also get there via Dubai, Seoul, Tokyo, Amsterdam, and Paris, among others! For smaller airports, like Bishkek and Osh, you can get direct flights from Istanbul and Dubai.  They are not served by other major airports in East Asia or Europe.

The total time from Seattle to Almaty  was about 20 hours  – nine hours and change to Frankfurt, and another seven to Almaty (with a four hour bonus layover in Frankfurt where we got to hang out with Megan Starr!).

I am a huge advocate of plane intoxication, so my recommendation is to see your travel doc for some heavy hitting meds, have a glass of wine, and turn into an Ambien-fueled plane monster for the majority of your cross-continental voyage*. You’ll be a well-rested, if not resented, traveler when you arrive in-country.

Validity: 5/10 (*I am most certainly NOT a doctor)

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Traveler Issue #3: What about the places to stay there?

Put away your Starwoods Preferred Guest card, because I’m about to get real.

Like America’s growing gap between the rich and the poor, the gap between nice places to stay and not so nice places to stay in Central Asia is pretty wide. In Almaty, a city full of money, it seemed our only options were $100+ nightly hotels in the center of town, or more traditional hostels. We opted for a private room at a hostel outside the city center in Almaty, and while we loved being a little bit remotely located, we didn’t love the hostel experience. Listen, I was in my twenties once (don’t make me go back there), so I get traveling goes hand in hand with partying. But for christ’s sake, I need my beauty sleep if I’m expected to drag my husband around to drab concrete monoliths all day.

Real Talk: Young travelers are slobs and generally filthy, noisy, or drunk (most often a combination of the three). Nicer hostels can usually adjust for this by having exceptionally friendly staff familiar with dealing with drunks and louses. Our place in Almaty, however, was objectively disgusting. David and I found ourselves cleaning the kitchen daily, simply so we could eat a meal without danger of cross contamination.

Once we got to Kyrgyzstan, however, accommodations improved. We paid a premium to stay in a fabulous guesthouse in Bishkek ($60 USD per night for a triple room with private bathroom and AC AND hostel dog), and in Osh we had a centrally located apartment a literal stone’s throw from the main square. I am saving my thoughts about yurts for its own post because, hot damn, who doesn’t love some good yurt porn?

Validity: 6/10

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Traveler Issue #4: And…the facilities?
I have a coworker that tells me, “I don’t like to have to take my own toilet paper when I go on vacation.” My response: “I can’t remember a vacation I’ve taken in recent history when I haven’t taken my own toilet paper.”

I have a personal theory that the biggest difference between children and adults is an ability to talk about bodily functions. As a somewhat health-obsessed thirty-something, I have a borderline obsessive concern about my gut flora and GI health. Thus, when traveling, I like to know ahead of time what kind of facilities will be available to me and my somewhat dainty gastrointestinal system.

I’m also no dummy. I knew that the facilities would be rough, and didn’t expect gold plated thrones in yurt camps. I tried to steel myself for the restrooms to come. I hearkened back to when I was in Mongolia, when I would pump my body full of Immodium every time I left Ulaanbaatar. “Not this time, Nick,” I told myself with conviction. “You are an intrepid traveler, and intrepid travelers can have functioning bowels when in the rough.”

I came, I squatted, and I conquered. That doesn’t mean I’m not traumatized.

Validity: 9/10

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With all these prefaces, I do hope more people go to visit these two nations (and the whole region – I’m dying to get to Tajikistan). The lack of tourism certainly won’t last forever as the Earth gets smaller, and people start to branch out to lesser known parts of the globe. If you’re armed with the correct information, cipro, and wet wipes, you’ll have an amazing time.

Also, for those with a morbid curiosity, feel free to reach out to me at nick@concreteandkitsch.com if you want more gory toilet details. I’d be more than happy to share.